Thursday, March 20, 2008

To the Guy or Guys that stole my stereo at the Park and Ride Yesterday

You know who you are. Sometime yesterday afternoon, while I was toiling away making an honest living for my family in Downtown Denver, there you were, outside my 1990 Toyota Corolla at the I-25 and Broadway Park and Ride with a slim jim, anxiously breaking into my car for a $50 stereo from Wal-Mart.

As a victim of your selfish and heartless act, I am grateful for a couple of things. You didn't break any windows to get into my car, nor did you smash my dashboard into a plastic crater and you left the wiring harnesses intact, unlike the last two guys that broke into my car in years past. Your skill at theft shows me you must do this for a living, and have been for a long time.

I don't understand why you stole my totally non-descript stereo, so cheap in fact, that I had to super glue the polished front on when 95 degree summer days melted the glue three years ago. This stereo is so cheap, that it doesn't continue where the CD left off when I turn the car back on. Man, you are a sucker! There are 50 used Kenwood stereos on this website that do more that for only $20! I couldn't wait to replace that thing!

However, despite your skill, I'm surprised you didn't take my iPod FM transmitter, I really appreciate that. Those things are over-priced, and that was invaluable to me, considering I don't really listen to CD's anymore. I also thank you for not stealing my 3 year old son's car seat and stroller in the back seat and trunk respectively, which are much more valuable than that stereo you stole. If you were a father, you would have known that. My guess is you either (a) don't have kids, or (b) have slept with so many women that children bearing your drug ridden and STD infested DNA are living all over the metro area and you have no idea they exist.

Lastly, I want to thank you for making this a defining moment in my life. In 20 years, I will be telling this story to thousands of people, whose lives I have been able to lift and inspire, while you will be rotting in jail for armed robbery, drug possession, and/or sexual assault. Or you may be lucky and be dead altogether. It's a shame your life is in such disarray that my stereo was important enough to steal from my car. There were Audi's BMW's and Mercedes-Benz's in that parking lot with lug nuts worth more than the car I drive everyday. But you chose my car. I expect to see that Lennox Sound stereo posted on Craig's List, complete with my wife's Josh Groban CD inside, and my Skull Candy headphones that I got as a Christmas present in December. I will be eagerly awaiting your post!