Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Twilight Phenomenon and Edward vs Me

Every Wednesday night, I spend a couple of hours playing basketball at a nearby Stake Center in Denver. I get pretty beat up as I am getting older (30 now). I play smarter, but it takes me a little longer to recuperate than it did 3 years ago. Last night I came home close to 11. Heather had just watched our latest Netflix release received in the mail that day. The movie was "Penelope," a movie that she had heard good things about. Before I could ask her how the movie was, she turns on the DVD player and shows me a 3 minute clip that was on the DVD about the upcoming Stephenie Meyer novel turned movie "Twilight." She was so excited I she could hardly handle it. I asked her if she was aware that this was on the DVD. I should have known the answer, but she certainly knew and it was part of the reason she rented the movie in the first place.

I have never seen a healthy obsession from her like this EVER. When we first started dating nearly 8 years ago, I think it was safe to say that she was very obsessed with me (which is a really nice feeling by the way). When she gave birth to Caleb, she was very obsessed with him and taking care of him and committed to being a great mother (which she is by the way). Even with our youngest born not quite 6 weeks ago, it's her primary focus. However, I think the Twilight phenomena that has sweeped our household has taken the cake as her most insane obsession!

It was April of last year when Heather's sister Jocelyn told her about these books. I remember Heather's first reading and not more than 50 pages into the novel. She would pause and absolutely rave about the book, calling her sister in pure excitement. Within a week she had read the two books and anxiously awaited the release of "Eclipse." She found her kindred spirits online and began posting to forums devoted to Stephenie Meyer's books. One in particular that was set up for fans of Twilight who were also mother's (as a way of differentiating themselves from the more juvenile crowds at other sites). Heather found members who were here in Denver and has met with them at least two different times for an opportunity to hang out and be obsessed together.

The book releases for both "Eclipse" and "The Host" (Mrs. Meyer's first non-Twilight Novel) were the only times in the last year that Heather has voluntarily gotten up before 6 am to arrive at Barnes and Noble to purchase her copy of the new book, and for all of her friends that have become fans as a result of her evangelical preaching of the gospel of Stephenie Meyer.

Heather has met Stephenie Meyer twice at two different book signings in the last year. She gets together with other Twilight-ites and makes creative t-shirts, complete with quotes, funny phrases and creative designs. They proudly wear these shirts to the signings, to show their undying devotion.

What is great about this for the husbands of the Twilight-ites? Whenever we feel the need to go to Broncos' Training camp at 8:30 on a Saturday with my fellow broncomaniacs morning adorned in orange and blue, I don't look so bizarre to my wife anymore. Besides her excursions out with the ladies gives me a chance to do fun stuff with the kids and bond. That's a pretty sweet deal in and of itself.

Edward Cullen vs Jon-Michael DeShazer

The real question is this. If Heather had to choose between Edward Cullen or me, who would she choose? I think she would choose me for the following reasons, all things being equal and our children out of the equation. We will rank each other on the following areas, looks, kissing, cuddling ability and personality.

Kissing. Edward Cullen's lips are a hot commodity in a figurative sense, but a cold commodity in a literal sense. Making out with Edward would be like eating a raw steak that has been sitting in the fridge for 6 hours: Cold, a little too juicy and in serious need of 20 minutes on a barbecue grill.

I would win this battle also in the very critical necking department. My overall thirst for blood would not override my gentleness in kissing Heather's neck. I don't even like hickies, let alone break skin (Oops! categorize this in the TMI department)! Lastly, kissing me won't cause Heather to have a sudden thirst for the blood of humans; maybe a glass of water and a little air considering I take her breath away, but not blood!

Looks. As if this wasn't obvious already, but I am way better looking than Edward. First of all, Heather only goes for tall guys. I don't know exactly tall Edward is, but assuming that only a handful of people I know are taller than 6'5" I think it's safe to say I'm taller. Heather turned down shorter guys all the time before me.

Secondly, I don't have a blood-thirsty, disturbed and demonic look in my eyes all the time. Can you imagine getting family pictures with Edward?

Heather's Mom: "Honey, what's the matter with Edward? Was he sick that day? His skin is kind of pail and he looks like he wants to kill someone."
Heather: "Mom, he always has that look. Besides, I think the camera lense is a little defective. Edward dropped it in a fit of rage as Transylvania's soccer team was eliminated from the Olympics on TV."

Cuddling Ability.
I win this competition hands down. Here's an example. It's the middle of winter, 5 degrees outside, and 12 inches of snow and ice on the streets. Heather climbs into bed with numb feet from the frosty temperatures of our main floor with the electric blanket turned on. Edward climbs into bed with her to catch some shut eye. She rolls away from him to be spooned and to have a place to put her cold feet on him. Suddenly, a chill runs through her bones realizing she's touching the legs of a vampire who's body temperature is -20 degrees farenheit. She immediately pushes him away and proceeds to sleep with the blanket turned up to '11.' Watching movies would be out of the question, unless you like to cuddle frozen dead guys.

Admit it ladies, when it comes to finding the right guy you don't want some emotional recluse who distances himself from human contact because he doesn't want to fall in love and turn you into a vampire. Any woman who wishes their husband or boyfriend were more like Edward forgets the baggage that he comes with.

Can you imagine 10 years from now, Edward and Bella happily undead and married living in Louisville, CO with 3 little Eddie Munsters scurrying on the living room floor trying to bite the cat, telling you how they met?
Bella: "It was really quite romantic, I had just moved to Washington to live with my Dad, and he was this creep in my science class who was also a total jerk sometimes. But somehow I was captivated by him and wanted to get through his cold exterior and find the man inside. Fortunately, he saved me from a potential car accident and we've been happy ever since, except for that whole leaving me part in between and fighting werewolves."

Simply put, women go for the guys with a little stability in their lives. I am by no means the most charming person on the earth, but before there was Edward, there was me, and if he and I were to play basketball against each other, I would kick his butt. So there, undeniable proof and evidence why I am much more charming and that this infatuation with a fictional vampire could never replace me. Oh and there that whole he's not real and I am part of the equation that I never factored in. Sweet . . . . . .


Danielle Smith said...

Pi-shaw! Gosh, like you totally haven't read the books! Like you totally don't know what you're talking about! I am like so offended now! Heather should totally break up with you and marry Edward! Gosh! I can't believe you! You're so lame! WHAT-EV-ERRRR!!!

Heather said...

Danielle, I'm so glad someone supports my position! Btw, Happy Anniversary Honey! ;)

Shane said...

My votes for Jon. My wife has also fallen for this "drug". Now she refuses to cook dinner and spends hours on end in our bedroom with the door closed and locked. Avoiding me and the kids. And to get the darn thing, she sneaks it into the grocery cart at Wal-Mart, has the bagger put it in a paper bag and holds onto it the whole ride home. Goodbye my sweet wife. Hello Junky.

Wood Family said...

I AM TOTALLY TAKEN ABACK!! I just stumbled upon your blog (since you introduced yourself to me on mine) and I found my "sweet" husband bad mouthing me! That was below the belt. Edward would NEVER bad mouth Bella like you two are. You two really need to read up on how you can make it up to us...like a fat ring or new car or my OWN ISLAND!

Jon: Sorry to break it to you, but women don't like the chopsticks in noses, since...never. :)

Shane: Next time you have a comment about your wife...keep it to yourself! ;)

PS my housekeeping skills have not been slacking either! :P

Marina said...
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