Monday, October 13, 2008

Edward Cullen the Doll vs. Vanilla Ice the Doll

In our high demand for crappy merchandise society, there never seems to be an end to companies willing to cash in on the current craze. In 1990, it was Vanilla Ice. In 2008, it's Twilight and Edward Cullen. For those vigilant shoppers who want to make an informed decision as to what doll to purchase for their 10 year-old son circa 1990, or their 30 year-old wife circa 2008, here is a stat by stat comparison as to which doll is the better buy.

Edward Cullen Doll:
Description: 7 inches of hunky vampire goodness. The plastic embodiment of actor Robert Pattinson.

Included Clothes:
Quality stitched recreation of outfit found in the upcoming movie.

Features: Has the ability to swoon young and old ladies alike with his ice cold stare. His hands are in perfect position to caress the hair of any 6 1/4" teenage girl doll within in arms reach; Hair is immobilized to prevent his mane from being altered to look like our next contestant. Has perfect complexion and lipstick left over from Bella (it's her color, can't you tell?) He's scary to look at, afraid for your neck's safety and he's a DOLL!

Downside: I am sure there will be several women disappointed with the fact that you cannot change his outfit. That hairdo? You couldn't go to Homecoming looking like that! (Soon to be released: Edward Cullen, Prom Date Edition). He isn't ice cold to the veins and his hardened exterior is actually because he's plastic, not a buff studly vampire. That outfit is going to look as dated as the Iceman's below in 19 years. His lack of overall mobility will not allow him to be fitted into the Barbie Ferrari, without scuffing his paint job.

Vanilla Ice Doll:

Description: 7 inches of to-the-extreme, rob a mic like a vandal prowess! The plastic embodiment of Robert Van Winkle, all the way from Miami (or is it Dallas?) otherwise known as Vanilla ICE (Yo Vanilla, kick it one time BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!)!

Included Clothes:
Some super fruity 2 piece that makes him look like the opening act at a Las Vegas gay bar.

With the ability to light up a stage and jump like a candle, Vanilla Ice is sure to mesmerize you with his unique dancing style and stone cold rhymin'! his arms are made of rubber, allowing him to bend and groove like his clean cut pal Ken; parachute pants can actually provide resistance and a safe landing if he's thrown out of a Cessna; contains the slickest aerodynamic hairdo known in the free world according to NASA; information on joining the Vanilla Ice fan club contained INSIDE; "ICE ICE BABY" printed on the box for clueless parents who don't know Vanilla Ice by name.

Downside: That microphone doesn't really work. He needs a plastic clip on the side of the microphone in order to hold it. Shoulder pads have been known to put out the eyes of eager children; coat does NOT double as reflective outfit when directing traffic at night. Although clothes are changeable, Ken's clothes look really baggy, and Ken's wardrobe is in serious need of updating.

In conclusion, I can't exactly tell you who has the upper hand. The Vanilla Ice doll has not been in production since 1991, and Edward Cullen isn't out until January 2009. Which is the better choice? Who would you choose? Please comment below.

1 comment:

Danielle Smith said...

Well, I actually think that Vanilla Ice is talle than 7 in. because he was as tall as my barbies. I am going to choose the Edward doll because Vanilla Ice totally dumped Belle and she needs a new man who will stick with her to the end(Dylan was harsh with that doll). Plus Edward is much better looking and has more a a classic outfit. It won't go out of style within the year.